Memories......

Today I though about a childhood memory which I cherish very much. As kids we used to go on trips to other islands, as where I come from a country which is an archipelago of islands, this was very common. We go and swim in the crystal clear sea...jumping and crashing at each other, swallowing alot of sea water! The whole day we were in the sea or on the beach, our skin used to be burnt to dark brown and we loved to check on who had tanned the most. We would come out of the water ravenous with hunger and gobble alot of food and run back into the sea again.....then we return back to our home island...which was more or less like the city in our country....we would go to sleep in our beds exhausted from the day, our muscles completely stretched and worn out and then feel as if you hear the waves crash on the beach....as you slowly fall asleep. I'm sure many of my childhood friends would have the same memories. Those were innocent fun days! We didn't have technology like the generation now, we just had the sun, sea and the beach to play on and our best memories were spent like this, always on the outdoors.

the ghost chillies let me down once again....

Hello to you people whoever happens to stop by me!

Let me start off with an explanation for the title of this post...I happen to be an addict of the game Farmville on facebook...well yeah who does not know facebook these days! So whenever I play on farmville and plow the land and plant ghost chillies I somehow miss to harvest on them and they wither, this has happened several times and its ironic since I planted chillies on my small balcony and both my plants died into dry thin sticks mocking at me every time I go there. So my conclusion is that I am just not made for these chillies of the world! They wither and die just like some significant promises that I make to myself and is unable to keep every time.

Yeah...these days I am not happy with myself. This maybe the reason I haven't written on this blog although I have so much to write in my head.....so much so that if I attempt at writing them these pages would over flow. I know I am trying to escape from something...I am always on the run from something...or then I find myself waiting for the moment to pass. It's confusing if I try to analyze so I leave it at that. So I am not in focus to out pour whatever it is that needs to be poured out.

So lets say I want to pass this ghost chilli phase of myself and get more focused to write all those stories that I need to tell. I have also thought of different ways to change the way I present this blog rather than in this direct periodic updates about my boring life, I'm thinking of going into third person form and get more spicy. So here's hoping to catch up later with such a post....hopefully very soon. Until then keep looking at the flowers!

It's a New Year...it's 2010!!!

Hey there bloggers!

It's a totally new year and I started blogging sometime ago although not yet one year...pretty much still in my crawling stages....However I have told myself that this new year I will stop being lazy and start posting here more regularly! So lets hope I stick to this promise!

I would like to say however, that I have been reading almost all of the blogs that I follow and I have been here almost every day which is why I feel guilty when I don't make a post myself.Anyway here i go again....explaining, justifying why? I don't think any one's complaining?!

Anyway to get onto something more subjective....I've been in a complete relax mode all through these holidays and this has made me ponder more deeply about my life and how incomplete I feel at times! Yet I don't know what it is that would make me feel complete. I go through each day trying to escape the reality of things and blocking out alot of my troubles...this has in a way helped me cope on a daily basis...Not that I feel down and depressed or something...I just feel like I want this time to pass quick hoping the next phase would be better...looking for something positive. So usually time does really go fast...I cant imagine how quick the holidays are over,I wanted to linger on it everyday cos it allowed me to relax and do nothing. I know how stressed I get when the school starts. Anyway I want to focus on being more positive this year so I will not complain about this either.

The last year saw me through many changes in my own life and in the lives of many of my loved ones and close friends. It seemed like a year that things were happening very fast. I went on holiday back to my home and I am yet to feel homesick enough to want to go back there again. I just don't feel at home when I go there anymore...I stay with friends and I visit my mother's place and I think I'm always visiting someone's home so adding it up more to make me seem like a visitor on the move. I still cant get used to this idea cos that's still the place I call home and had lived for so long. It doesn't feel right to be there in a temporary state of mind. However on a positive note I think I can say that I have finally begun to accept Malaysia as it is. I had a grudge about everything when I first came here...cos this was not my initial plan. I ended up here on completely sudden decision which took one whole year to really sink into me! So life really has been changing around me, especially the last couple of years. People who knew me shouldn't be surprised if I seem to have changed a bit within me either!

So there, Happy New Year!! May there be laughter and love in your lives through out this year!

Cheers!

observing Christmas from a distance.....

Hello people,

Its been so long since I posted something, I cant even remember where I left off....yeah! its been that long! Life's been so hectic since summer holidays I just saw my days escape me by in a rush...most times I have to strain to remember which days it is today! I have no idea if its Monday or Tuesday??! Well yeah then came b'day parties, mild flus, exams and high fevers halting at what I have been silently counting under my breath...the HOLIDAYS!!! Ever since its like a switched just went off in me....I relaxed and exhaled..........

So here I am sharing with you my observations as I experience my second Christmas away from home in a foreign country. Although Malaysia is a multi cultured country with several religions, it maintains its religious festivities as widely as possible through out the country. Hoards of tourists from the Middle Eastern countries especially fill the bustling shopping centers. And then here I go mingling amongst these people and come across all these shiny glistening Christmas ornaments,the Christmas trees and all the decorative stuff that are put on for sale! Its such a delightful feeling!! Like children me and my sister walk through the stacks of Christmas decorations exclaiming how nice they are....and then what do we do? We say some excuse or other and buy them too! Now why do we make excuses? Cos we are not Christians or Roman Catholics, we are from a complete different religion and its taboo for us to celebrate these festivals! But we are still so attracted to the bright colours and glitter we buy them if only to just decorate our windows! Oh and we love the Christmas cookies, cakes and puddings too! We buy them too and look up cookie recipes too!! I call that being dusted with a foreign culture n tradition once you start living in a foreign country other than your own.

So before I sign off I shall share some photos from holidays during the month of July and August when I went home to Maldives and stopped over in neighbouring country Sri Lanka which to me is like a second home.

Thats all for now, I shall post more and upload more pictures....now that I'm back!

I'm slacking behind.....

written on 28th June.....

I dont want to say this, but I must do so, cos it's been more than a week since I wrote on this. I've been in 'delay mode' the last few days or past week. This is really not good. I need to prioritize. I wrote that on my facebook display message too. Well actually the last few days have been mostly trying to digest the news Micheal Jackson's death and the shock and sadness of it all has been too much for me. I know I shouldn't let myself get so affected by it but it has done that. Well I have avoided the televison for most part of the day hoping to forget about it.

Anyway to skip to a lighter note, today I had my pal the dog visit me, yes she is in town and we met briefly a few times and today she came by to say bye before she leaves in a few days. I was too busy with my kids and we could not really have a proper catch up. But it was still nice to see her and share a few moments together.

continued 3rd July.....

Well, well here I am after many pauses, trying to putatleast a piece of my thoughts in a sentence. I have been pretty occupied and pre occupied the last days that my time is spent in either doing the necesarry household chores or when I am free 'trying not to worry' about those pre occupying thoughts. Like I said I need to really think strategically and decide which path I need to follow. Who said life is easy right?

Once again trying to skip onto a lighter note, I am also hoping to go on vacation soon so alot of planning is going on mentally which keeps me even more occupied. Otherwise i would say that days are just breezing past me, sometimes I am like 'what? its already Friday? I thought it was only Monday yesterday!'

Father's Day...

I don't know if I should be writing this or not but I feel compelled to do so,more because I have this blog going and I think it's rather a good title to blog about. For me Father's Day brings mixed feelings.Feelings I would rather not touch. Feelings I have put at the back of my mind and kept them numb.However, I will take the painful effort and share a little bit of what is left of my ailing relationship with my father.Right now we only communicate with text messages and that too just short notices giving some info over a financial matter.That's it. I have not spoken to him in person for more than a year now.So this will pretty much sum up my relationship with him.

I don't know why and cant find an explanation that justifies it enough,my father just has this wall around himself that you just cannot pass beyond.He doesn't know how to express love and has always been very stern with us. My siblings and I are actually quite afraid of him even though we still love him. We have accepted him the way he is,he does not realize it. I am not over looking the times he has been mentally and physically supportive while my sister and I both were going through our divorces. That must have been a hard position to be in while having divorced our own mother.What I want to say here is, no matter how he lends his support he will even do that in a restricted way of his own. He would never let loose himself or his demeanor of sternness. Yes and that is how I know my father always and have this image stuck in my mind. I cannot be made guilty for this because i don't want to have this image and wish so much that it wasn't this way. I wish so much that I could just call him up some days and have a chat. For we have had such times in the past and whatever said and done we are related by blood and that really is thick you know. You just can re bond after many years without a blink. It has happened many times.

Yet I am here, standing defeated and tired of trying to knot and re-knot the ends.Its gets me no where. It keeps me exhausted and weakened.I don't think I am that strong anymore.I don't like to think of Father's Day, for all of these things that I have mentioned. I hold on to the good memories and pass everyday like I am fine, so why should I spoil it today?I feel as I go wandering through my life I must contribute something from my life in writing,I think my thoughts like I write them,they are long and confusing and deeply expressed. My grandfather was a writer and poet and his poems are studied in schools for their Language classes in our own Maldivian script. So there, isn't that a good enough reason to attempt a bit of writing. I am always praying for good things and you should do the same.Pray.

I got a text message...

Well yes, I got a text message from one of my bestest friends the other night, telling me she has been thinking alot about our long standing friendship and she realized that I am the only one who reads whatever she writes, I guess she meant her texts and maybe also her blog. Whatever it is, she wanted to thank me for this. Now in my foggy confused sleepy moment I replied a elaborate message about how much fun we always had and this word 'fun' is what we discovered together kind of bullshit.

Actually, its now that I am really thinking about our long standing 'friendship'. This friendship has weathered many storms together and each time been bounded by more strings than we can detach now. So I think it was not only the good times that kept us going,it was also the bad times that kept us going.

So I really want to dedicate this post to her and give her this message - We are friends because we understand each other very well and respect each other. I believe if we didnt have that we would have fallen apart by now. In life we make many friends but very few remain the same way towards you through the years, and these are friends you have bonded with many times over. We 'bonded' countlessly over many years, over several experiences. You cant break such bonds!